Jason Bailey

There’s a reporter for a local news station in Phoenix named Jonathan Lowe, and he was out covering a story on Monday afternoon . . . and really had to use the bathroom. We’re not sure how old he is, but he looks like he’s in his 30’s.

And it must have been a pretty urgent situation, because instead of finding one to use . . . he defecated right in someone’s front yard!!!

A neighbor who saw it from the across the street called the cops, and they arrested him for, quote, “public urination or defecation.” But a spokesman for the police department confirmed that it was not for urinating.

He’s facing a fine of up to $2,500, or six months in jail. The station wouldn’t say whether he’s been fired yet, but he’s worked there for about five years, and it looks like they already deleted his bio from their website.

Before they yanked it down, it said that he was originally from North Carolina . . . and brought a bit of, quote, “southern hospitality and charm” with him.

Here’s more proof that cell phones are absolute poison to relationships.

A couple recently got married in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, and then headed up to their hotel room to consummate the marriage.

But when the guy started trying to get-it-on, the guy’s new wife wouldn’t put her phone down . . . because she was so busy responding to friends and family members who were texting her congratulations.

The guy asked her if her friends were more important than he was, and she said yes!!!!

So he immediatly stormed out of the hotel and filed for a divorce.

A relative said that a divorce case was filed and the court referred it to the reconciliation committee to assess if the newly-weds could be reconciled.

But the groom was too hurt in his pride to forgive and refused to withdraw the case and insisted on the divorce.

Someone posted a video where they walk into a kitchen that looks like it’s either in a restaurant or a hotel. And when they turn the lights on, a bunch of rats start running up a pipe and through a hole in the ceiling.

A few people online counted, and apparently there were 23 of them.

I’m not sure this qualifies for “Sexually Distracting”… But as a former teenage boy, the wind blowing is “Sexually Distracting”.

If this is worth getting sent home for, then every girl in 9th grade that wore those tight Guess jeans back in my day (CHS 92) would have been sent home!

If your only cardio is running from the cops, your life of crime is probably doomed.

A 21-year-old guy named Shawn Chapman from Howey-in-the-Hills, Florida shoplifted two steaks from a Publix grocery store last week, by shoving them down his pants.

But a security guard spotted him, so Shawn took off running.

Unfortunately for him, he clocks in around 300 pounds, and wasn’t quite ready for a high speed chase.

So the cops quickly caught up with him when he ran out of breath, and arrested him for retail theft.

A lot of people think that Kim Kardashian has had an adverse effect on morality. But is that her prime directive? Iran thinks so.

Iran’s Revolutionary Guard exists to protect the country and its culture from outside influence. And they say they’re under direct, deliberate attack from Kim. But she’s not working alone. She takes her orders from Instagram… Yeah Instagram.

Yes, Instagram has an evil plan to corrupt Iran’s women and children, so they enlisted Kim to undermine their Islamic lifestyle with her immoral selfies. Without a hint of irony or sarcasm, one official said, quote, “We are taking this very seriously.”

“People” magazine asked Kim about it in Cannes, France, and she said, quote, “I just landed and came here [from the airport]. I have not heard that one. Thanks for the heads-up.”

While all of this seems like a joke, the Revolutionary Guard has already arrested dozens of people for what they consider immoral and un-Islamic activity on social media.

Do you ever sit there watching your cat lick himself and think, “Man, I wish I could get in on that”? Well, now you can. Congratulations?

There’s a new product for sale called the Licki Brush, and it lets you finally experience the joy of licking your cat . . . but in a productive and sanitary way.

It’s shaped like a huge tongue, and you put it in your mouth. But it’s really a brush, so when you “lick” your cat with it, you’re brushing them.

It’s going to launch on Kickstarter soon, and if you sign up at LickiBrush.com with your email, they’ll let you know when it’s live. But there’s no word yet on how much it’ll cost.

I can think of a lot of reasons why people would be furious with Verizon and want to get revenge on them. So I’m disappointed that the guy who actually did picked one of the lamest reasons possible.

A Verizon employee named Michael Hathaway was doing some work in an underground vault in Westborough, Massachusetts back in August of 2013.

The vault was right next to a self-storage business that’s owned by a 73-year-old guy named Howard Cook Jr. And Michael parked his truck on Howard’s grass.

Well, you know there’s nothing that makes an old man angrier than someone on his lawn. And Howard was SO furious that he shut the lid to the VAULT to trap Michael inside. He also put rocks on top to make sure he was sealed in.

And the vault’s ventilation system turns off when the lid closes, so Michael was trapped without air. Fortunately his Verizon cell phone worked down there, and he called for help.

Howard just pleaded guilty to kidnapping, and got one year of probation and anger management classes.

A 41-year-old guy in Oregon named Shannon Egeland got sentenced to ten years in prison for mortgage fraud in 2014. But the day before he was supposed to report to jail, he took a shotgun blast to the legs!!!

He claimed it happened when he stopped to help a pregnant woman who broke down on the side of the road. Then someone hit him over the head and shot him. But the cops were suspicious, because he still had his wallet and they didn’t steal his car.

It turned out he actually made his teenage son shoot him, so he could delay the jail sentence and collect an insurance policy he applied for a week earlier.

He admitted to it in court on Wednesday, and pleaded guilty to wire fraud because of the insurance policy. So he’s facing an additional five years in jail now.

And the shotgun blast did way more damage than he expected. He ended up with multiple fractures in one of his legs . . . almost bled out . . . and one of his feet had to be amputated!

If you like a woman who’s very frugal with money, and has thighs that are powerful enough to crush you . . . we’ve got your dream girl here.

A woman went to a gas station in Chattanooga, Tennessee last week and did two very notable things:

1. She stole a 12-pack of Bud Light by putting it up her skirt and holding it between her meaty thighs.

2. She paid for her 70 cents worth of gas by cleaning out the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray.

And yes, the beer was between her legs the entire time she was paying for her gas.

So the owner turned over the surveillance tape to the cops once he figured out what happened. But he definitely sounds more impressed than angry.

Quote, “You know, it made me mad. Then I got to thinking about it, and I started laughing . . . this lady, she really had it all together.”

This brazen crook found a creative way to steal her booze. The story coming up at 530 and 6pm @newschannelnine pic.twitter.com/ccjRCsfykN

— Brandon Evans (@brandonevansnc9) May 12, 2016