I wish I could feel as open and free as this guy without having to inhale gasses that would destroy my brain.

A 54-year-old guy named Tim Kielty from Corvallis, Oregon got high by inhaling a few whip-its of nitrous on Monday night.

Then he went into a grocery store and pooped on the floor. And he kept walking through the aisles, tracking his bowels around, until the employees finally convinced him to leave.

But that was just the beginning of his pooping spree. Because after he left the store, Tim wandered into a stranger’s house and pooped on their couch.

The people who lived there tried to get him to leave, but he ignored them and just asked if they could give him a towel.

Eventually the cops got there, and Tim was arrested for criminal mischief, trespassing, and disorderly conduct.

The Internet likes a stupid picture of an algebra textbook right now. It surfaced a few days ago, and shows five diverse students on the cover, all holding a textbook.

But it’s tripping people out . . . because the book they’re all holding is the same textbook that shows them on the cover. It’s like the “Inception” of cheesy algebra textbook covers.

So either it was Photoshopped together from stock photos . . . or it’s proof of time travel.

These days it’s hard not to be confronted with spoilers . . . for movies, TV shows, and even sports. Most of the damage is done inadvertently, but one woman is using spoilers as a weapon for revenge!!

Here’s the story: An anonymous guy went on Reddit and asked for advice in dealing with his ex. He admits that he cheated on her . . . and that she found out after they broke up. Naturally, she was mad, and blocked him on social media.

The thing is, she UN-blocks him every week to send him “Game of Thrones” spoilers before he has a chance to see it. That’s it. Then she blocks him again.

He says he can’t watch it live because he’s working abroad, and that he did block her back, but she keeps switching it up . . . first she did it through WhatsApp, then Facebook, then a text, then a text from a mutual friend’s phone, and so on.

She even created a fake Facebook account to send the spoiler . . . complete with a photo of a hot girl so he’d add her. So apparently there are idiots out there who fall for those bogus ‘sexy people’ accounts.

If this is true, it’s a pretty savage way to get revenge.

The original Reddit post has been deleted, but Mashable.com has a screenshot.

I guess this proves that literally everything you own could get stolen.

There’s a married couple in Manchester, New Hampshire named Karen and Rick Wyman, and they came home last week and found that their Driveway was missing!!

Yes, someone had literally removed all the concrete. All that was left was dirt. So Rick called the police and said, quote, “My driveway’s been stolen.”

The cops came to investigate, and eventually they figured out it wasn’t stolen by some really aggressive burglar . . . it was an asphalt company that was supposed to remove their neighbor’s driveway, but went to the wrong house.

So the company apologized and promised to come back the next day to replace the driveway for free. And they aren’t facing any charges.

This is about as harsh as instant karma gets . . .

A guy in Daytona Beach, Florida swerved across four lanes of traffic on Saturday, and sideswiped a car. The cops haven’t released his name yet, but he was an older guy in a 1995 Ford Taurus.

It’s not clear what made him lose control, but it couldn’t have been that serious . . . because then he drove off.

And after he fled the scene, he drove about three miles . . . pulled over in a parking lot . . . and got out to check on how bad the damage to HIS car was.

He also used some sort of makeshift jack to lift it up, so he could get underneath it. But while he was under there, it fell off the jack . . . crushed him . . . and killed him.

Police are still piecing it together, but they think he was either trying to fix something, or looking for parts of the car he hit, so he could get rid of the evidence.

Not everyone can step up and be a hero in an emergency. But doing nothing is better than this!!!

Recently, a guy in Williamson, Illinois named Larry Lotter collasped while he was out at a bar with some friends. We’re not sure how old he is, but from the photos in the news he looks like he’s in his late 40s.

Everyone assumed it was a heart attack, and several people went to help, including a 32-year-old named Bryan Kuegler, who got down on his hands and knees next to him.

But what no one noticed was . . . Bryan was actually stealing Larry’s wallet. And after an ambulance took Larry away, Bryan used the cash to buy the entire bar a round of drinks . . . including Larry’s date. It’s not clear why she stayed behind.

Luckily, a security camera clearly caught it all on video, and Bryan was arrested. He’s facing two to five years in jail for theft.

Also, it turns out Larry didn’t have a heart attack . . . his doctors aren’t sure what happened. But they say Bryan might have slipped something into his beer.

Check out six tips for a better Memorial Day barbecue . . .

1. Serve less meat, but buy the expensive stuff . . . grass-fed beef, dry-aged steaks, and wild seafood. Anybody can grill a hundred burgers for 20 people. You can make people remember your party if your meat tastes good!!

2. Focus on the vegetables. Instead of chips and salsa, serve charred vegetables with dipping sauces. Or grill vegetables and puree them into fresh sauces for your meat.

3. Make your own rub. For a dry rub, just throw some paprika and chili powder together with brown sugar, oregano, salt, and garlic.

4. Use high, medium, and then low heat. Put a high-heat flame on the left side of the grill to get your sear marks. Then cook the meat in the middle on medium heat, and then move it to low heat to keep warm.

5. Keep track of cooking temperatures. Food poisoning will wreck it for everybody. Cook everything at 140 degrees or above, and smoked food should be cooked between 180 and 220.

6. Serve fruit for dessert. Nobody saves room for brownies and ice cream. Just grill up some slices of pineapple, peaches, or mango. You can also serve them with angel food cake, toasted right on the grill.

I can’t believe I’m saying these words, but there are some things in the world more important than Taco Bell.

A 48-year-old woman named Loretta Lynn Armstrong from Milton, West Virginia sent her 15-year-old son out to get Taco Bell a few weeks ago. But apparently he got her the wrong toppings on her burrito.

Sadly, there’s no word on what toppings she wanted, and what he actually got her.

But she was so upset that she started attacking him. We don’t know how big he is, but thanks to the police report we know she clocks in at six feet tall and 240 pounds . . . so there was probably some serious force behind her punches.

One of their neighbors called the cops, and when they got there, Loretta admitted she’d beaten up her son for botching her Taco Bell order.

She was arrested for felony child abuse.

Ontario High School in Ontario, California had 550 seniors graduate last week. And I guess it’s a good endorsement for the quality of education there that the kids immediately figured out there was something wrong with their diplomas.

Because the diplomas all came with nice red covers . . . that misspelled the word “school.” It’s on there as S-H-C-O-O-L.

The superintendent apologized, blamed it on the printing company, and said all of the kids will get new diploma covers.

If you haven’t seen it, there’s a pretty crazy video of lightning hitting a car in Canada. The elderly couple in the car survived, but they say it caused all the airbags to deploy at the same time. And it took two big chunks out of the road. Read More »